Reflections

It is night, and darkness drowns out the nursery. Daddy is sleeping soundly and I am in Bugsy's room sitting in the yellow silk bee chair. I have just finished nursing this tiny 6 month old and he is full as a tic off the milk the doctor's said would not ever sustain him. His head rest against me skin to skin, warm and sweaty. I smell milk and pink lotion and all the dreams of my past bubbling up inside me. The sound machine that has never been turned off since he was born plays the recorded sounds of the ocean. The waves lull back and forth and back and forth just as the warmth of the breath of this baby on my chest. I feel wetness in the corners of my eyes and I am overwhelmed with the thought.... this is enough. I am enough. My life has enough joy in this very moment to last a lifetime, and even if this is the only baby I ever hold and even if the world ended tomorrow I would die happy. There is Daddy and there is Grant and there is me. It is just the beginning, yet it is already so full. The wonder of life keeps me humbled, grounded and full of thanks.

It's Ok, to be both

Do you remember way back into adolescence when you were just trying to figure out who you were? and what group you fit into, exactly? When you ate lunch, what table did you sit at? Were you ever torn between trying to fit in with the cool kids while still being true to yourself?

It's funny, I should have seen these conflicts early on but it is only now that I look back that I get a little more clarity on it. In Jr. High, I was the cool kid who secretly went to the Earth Club meeting after Student Council so I could see the real live wolves they were bringing! And in High school --Sure, I listened to Green Day with my friends in the car, but I really just couldn't wait to put in my Simon and Garfunkel tape and ponder all the allegories in the lyrics.

Then college happened and life happened and I was ME! Finally me! But it's funny -- lately I find myself back again in the juxtaposition of myself. But this time, its okay to be both. I am both Yuppie and Hippie to the core or my being. I am in the Junior League, I drive a nice SUV, I am Episcopal, I wear 7 jeans....I still breast feed my 13 month old, I pureed all of his baby food, I cook organic whole wheat flax seed everything, I belong to an attached parenting group which meets regular to nurse and knit together.

I hope that Bugsy feels free to be himself as he grows into himself. Its fascinating to think that he has elements of Brandon and me in him but he is truly his own individual person. For all we know he may be totally into sports! (we hate sports!) But if he is --- we will be there for every game. We will cheer and try to learn all we can about his interests, but mostly we will show up because that's half of the job of parenting right there -- just showing up and being there. Love is really not spelled L-O-V-E, it is spelled T-I-M-E. The time we have with our child at home with us growing into himself is so very limited. When you really sit and think about it it makes you want to treasure every ought-oh, every toothy giggle, every ground up Graham cracker. Because just like those cracker crumbs that get lost under the furniture, moments fall into the cracks of your being unnoticed -- and it is the small moments in life that are everything.

Cast of Characters

So here it is, my first ever blog entry. The chronicles of a day in the life of a wife and mother -- a spirit raiser, confidence builder and cleaner of toilets. As a child, all I really ever wanted was to be a mother. Ok, and maybe also an actress. But sometimes, sometimes when I've had three great cups of coffee and everyone is all smiles I can't believe this is really my life. Unbelievable. I get to be out and about in the world caring for my own little family and loving them in such a profound and honest way. How cool is that?

So, dear reader, the cast of characters are as follows:

Myself- Former sorority girl, turned yuppie advertising assistant, turned freelance writer, turned target & coffee obsessed hippie momma.

BCD- Husband extraordinaire. Dashingly handsome, southernly charming with hair that should be on Grey's Anatomy. Not happy when hungry.

GMD- Grant Myrick Drake, Bugsy, Bugsaroosey, Mr. Grant -- born 12-12-05, You've never such personality in such a little package of a person. He's got his daddy's sense of humor, and his mommas red headed zeal. Watch out world.

Ella - EBB, Ella Bella Badinski, our beloved golden retriever - loyal and haphazard bird dog, our trial run at parenting, she is a really nice person.

That about sums us up. Of course there are a bunch of support cast, but we'll get to them over time. Patience my dear reader. Before you know it, you might know more about them then you should.

So enjoy the blog and my musings on life as a stay at home mom in Austin, Texas. These are the words of my all time favorite fortune cookie "Life, to you, is a dashing and Bold Adventure!"
Here's to making it as such.