Alfie Kohn and the unconditional parent

My research of Alfie Kohn's ideas/philosophies began about 6 months ago. As with most ideas/ theories I expected to review this concept and take it or leave it according to my own ideals. What I found was that the material was deeply thought provoking and had me talking to lots of people about it -- former principals, educators, mother's of six, ect. I have really milled this subject over and found it to be not at all black and white as it relates to child rearing.

To be sure, Kohn agrees that small children are born with a great desire for the approval of the important adults in their life. But, he says, we have a tremendous responsibility not to abuse the power that this gives us for our own ends. We must not turn our children into "praise junkies" who hunger for approval and have little sense of responsibility or ability to make ethical judgments. He argues that such children continue to require external approval and support throughout their lives and fail to develop an internal sense of their competence measured against their own standards. I agree with this wholeheartedly. The ability to find satisfaction in one's own accomplishments and also to find satisfaction is the task itself is a goal that most people strive for throughout their lives. By praising mindlessly, we give a sense of robotic satisfaction and fuel the internal hunger for a more genuine satisfaction (one that comes from within).

In theory, Alfie Kohn presents some compelling arguments for DRASTICALLY changing our society and moving it away from one that is based on rewards, incentives, grades, competition, tests and praise. If reading this material objectively and in a theoretical sense, It is a great philosophical mind opener. However, my problems with Kohn and this "movement" of no praise for our children are as follows:

First, I plan for my child to go to school. In the school systems of today, there will be tests, there will be stickers, there will be awards given out and award ceremonies, there will be competition, there will be lots of rewards because our society as a whole in this century is behaviorist. I wonder, if my child is receiving praise from everyone else in their life from Sesame street, Teachers, Friends, other adults, ect, What will be the long term affects of me not offering him any praise what so ever? Yes, I'd be acknowledging him. Yes I'd be offering engaging comments and "helping"
him to motivate himself along the way, but I, his mother, would not be offering him a sense of praise. My feeling is that he would pick up on the fact that he lived in a behaviorist society and that I was not an encouraging parent. The foundations that I am laying with him are so vital to his security of himself and by offering him a sense of positive reinforcement I feel like I am setting him up to be successful in the society that we live in, which like it or not is behaviorist.

Don't get me wrong -- I am not saying that I plan to shower my child with mindless praise for every mundane task. I do plan to use phrases like "Wow you used a lot of yellow in that picture!" but I will probably also say "I totally love it!" and if my son sets a goal for himself and accomplishes it I think it is important for me to tell him that I am proud of him for reaching his goal. I hope that he is proud of himself too, and it is my job as a parent to give him confidence in himself to strive for those feelings of pride and also to help him to find enjoyment in the process on not be focused only on the outcome -- I feel like a lot of that can be taught through talking with your child about the process and teaching Zen by example.

Although I found a lot of the book enlightening and found that it will affect to a degree the way I phrase my praise, my biggest complaint is that people might read this and take away a very strict interpretation of it which will ultimately, sadly, deprive their children of a sense of security that comes from a parent believing in you and being proud of you and vocalizing that. In the society that we exist in, this is important to success not only in school, but also in the working world where competition exists, raises and promotions are given and the whole system of gold stars are in place. Ironically, the more I thought about this, I felt like withholding all praise from my child was a form of control over him (an exact opposite from Kohn's theory of praise as being control).

So, again, for what it's worth, I took away from this intriguing theory, that in our current society I will parent my child intuitively first and foremost but I will also try to structure a portion of my praise statements to acknowledge, inspire and engage my child. When it comes down to it, the "expert" of my child is me. And the ebb and flow of parenting him is one of the most rewarding and challenging jobs that I'll ever do. But when my husband says "honey you're doing such a good job with him" I know in my heart that I am --- and although I don't need him to tell me that, it is nice to hear.