bringing up bugsy and bean

I've moved the blog, and decided to focus more on personal writing rather then updating. The new address is: http://bringingupbugsyandbean.wordpress.com/

Exciting! Terrifying!

Here is the first glimpse of our second child! I am 11 weeks pregnant this week and due on 2.05.09. We are so blessed and so excited, and also a bit terrified of how life will be with two children. Wish us Luck!!!

Peacock!

These photos were taken at Mayfield Park. This is Grant's reaction to the peacock's loud cry. The pictures tell the whole story....

Great Links

I'd love to spend a little time recording on the blog some articles that have been meaningful to me on the path of parenting. Each day for me, as a stay at home mother is a challenge to be better at my job then I was the day before. To parent mindfully, with intuition and research as my tools. This is my daily mission.

Harvard research in support of attachment parenting

Old Fashioned Play builds Serious Skill

Where is your center?

Time In

Support Statements of Extended Nursing

Stem cells found in breast milk

Reflections on Dino's Return

I am truly blown away by the response I have gotten from the Austin community! I have gotten over 170 e-mails, 30 phone calls, and 6 text messages regarding our missing lovie. I know the message circulated to tons of online groups like ours -- people were calling or writing because they had gotten the all points bulletin on their neighborhood or mom's group and just wanted to help. I also got calls from other states, California, Florida and North Carolina. One of the messages a mom left said that when she tried to call an online retailer, they said it was the 10th call they had gotten from Austin about this lost jellycat junglie croc! The response truly blew me and Brandon away. The outpouring of support made us feel like a bigger part of something -- as if a little boy having his lovie back was crucial to the well being of mankind :)

As a mom, losing dino was the most desperate I have ever felt. More desperate then when Grant's tiny newborn jaundice levels were at a 19 and he had to have blood taken out of four arteries and eventually be hospitalized.
More desperate then when the rotavirus got bad and we were pacing the halls at children's hospital begging for them to get our lethargic one year old an IV. In those cases his well being was in a competent professionals hands. In this case, his well being was all in mine.

A while back I asked my beloved AP moms group what their Attachment Parenting soundbite was -- I loved one member's response:

"it is a way of parenting that emphasizes emotional responsiveness and strives to nurture the child's emotional development and enhance the parent-child bond as much as possible."

In every sense of those words, losing Dino illustrated my commitment to AP, because the emotional responsiveness I had with my child during this time what so intense and what propelled me to turn over every stone in search for his lovie. I had some strangers write and gently suggest that he would eventually get over it and I should too. I know they were trying to help, but they just didn't get that when you attach at a cellular level with your child, their losses are more heartbreaking to you then if they were your own. And when your child is an "attached" child, I think that when they form attachments to people or things, they are really strong and genuine.

When Dino was "found" Grant's response was one of happiness, but also there was an attitude of "well of course we found him mommy, you are my mommy and you make everything right!" He didn't say those words exactly, but that is the sentiment that was expressed in his actions. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents! Of course there will be times that mommy can't fix his hurts, but so help me God I will try everything in my power to make it ok for him. This is something that will be the same for me when he is a grown man and an amazingly intense experience to go through first hand.
Nothing makes you feel more like a mom then when your child is really hurting in some way and you feel powerless to fix it. The real momma bear comes out!

Yesterday after the recovery of dino, Grant came home and slept four hours.
He has never slept that long in his life! After that nap he wouldn't leave the room without dino, as if the bond between them was stronger than ever.
Every so often I would catch him out of the corner of one eye hugging him and patting him on the back like you would your baby. In the kitchen last night, Brandon and I were getting dinner ready and we could see Grant in the living room talking with dino, we over heard him telling dino again how clean he was "dino got a bath" and then "dino, I love you soooo much!" Brandon and I just hugged on tight to each other there in the middle of the kitchen.
Grateful for this sweet little boy that we created, grateful that dino was home, and grateful that we get to be his compass through the rocky parts of life.

A neighbor suggested sewing a material heart onto dino with "Grant's beloved dino" and our phone number. I loved this idea and will be working on it this weekend. I am still watching eBay for dino #3 and even #4 to have hidden away in our closet. In the meantime, Dino has become like my second child, I'm not letting him out of my site!

Thank you again to everyone for the thoughts, prayers and kind words and thank you to Grant for teaching me more about mother love every day.

A boy and his dino

The following two e-mails sum up what our family went through went Grant's favorite stuffed animal was lost:

PART ONE:

Friends -- please help Grant by passing along this e-mail message. I am turning over every stone in the hopes of finding a replacement!!!!

********************************************************
I am a mother here in Austin, Texas writing this in desperation. I am hoping that you have and can sell me a Jellycat Junglie Croc. My two year old son has grown extremely attached to this stuffed animal, and yesterday we lost him in Target off of I-35 and he is now nowhere to be found. He cried for two hours before finally falling asleep without him last night and spent the entire night tossing and turning and crying out for him. Today he has gotten so worked up that he has thrown up twice and is not wanting to eat anything.
I have never seen him like this, he is beyond devastated.

I have searched the store we lost him top to bottom, made flyer's, and also searched all 6 stores in my city of Austin Texas that carry the Jellycat brand. I have called the manufacturer, put postings on mother's boards and am now searching the internet in hopes that someone out there can help us find a new one. This is an older model of Jellycat toys so apparently it is not made anymore. The sites that I have found on google, are sold out of this item. Please, Please let me know if you have this item and are willing to sell it to us! Please feel free to forward to on to anyone you know!
HELP, please our family is desperate! Here is a link to a picture of the toy we need: http://www.oompa.com/static/JCJUN6CR.htm


PART TWO:

I am so happy to report that Grant has been reunited with his best buddy, "dino" (the jellycat junglie croc) that we had been missing for two days!!!
Amazingly a lady who lives in Pflugerville had bought all of the Junglie animals when her some was born two years ago for a jungle themed nursery.
The croc has sat on his bookshelf as decoration, but he was never really that interested in him. She saw my desperate post on Craigslist and gladly met this morning and sold me the like new croc!

On the way to pick him up, I told Grant that a lady called and she found his Dino and washed him and was bringing him to us. So when he saw the (new) dino his reaction was a look of scrutiny (I was holding my breath) and then
- "Dino got a bath! He's so clean!"

After two nights of not sleeping well and no naps he fell asleep in the car briefly on the way back from picking up Dino. I can not tell you what it felt like to look in the review mirror and see him peacefully asleep with his best buddy. All is right with the world!!!

I would like to send a heartfelt thanks to the many people who expressed their concern for us and were helping us to try to find the replacement. I have gotten over 50 e-mails and countless phone calls from total strangers who genuinely wanted to help us find him. I really appreciate all of you who researched, made phone calls and sent prayers to St. Anthony.

In closing, I will be continuing to search for a back up dino so hopefully we never have to go through this again! If you run across one, I will gladly buy it from you. To those of you who found the three websites online that had him listed, they are actually sold out -- I called them all yesterday before sending the e-mail. I think the only way to find a back up is through other people's collections.

Once again THANK YOU everyone!!!

TWO

I awake on Wednesday morning to the realization that on this day, two years ago, I gave birth to this amazing kid laying in between us in the bed. Can it only have been two years? Has it already been two years? It's an amazing day mostly because it brings to light some strong sentiments I have about this little one's life. He has been such a joy to get to know and also he has been a window to my soul's aching to live its true life. Which, as a mother, it turns out I am.

I decide that on this day, we will do anything that he wants to do. Microwave an apple and see it explode? Sure! Climb a ladder and turn on and off lights? Of course! Play in the tub with mamma's shaving cream? Ok! Throw sprinkles on the floor and stomp in them? no problem! Eat only cupcakes, well how many times do you turn two?

home

back at the beginning
back to the start
under the same moon
and with the same stars

changes coming at us
like flash photography
lights in the night sky
and feeling so free

there is you
and there is me
there is our full life
and our baby makes three

all in the same bed
breathing so deep
loving so completely
life, truth and peace

Little Life in Photos

I am posting made this little video of photos taken over the past 21 months.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYILKoGv0-Q

Its amazing to see it all sumed up like that, in just four minutes. Can it have only been 21 months? Haven't we known our son forever? It seems like he has been a part of us since we were born.

Alfie Kohn and the unconditional parent

My research of Alfie Kohn's ideas/philosophies began about 6 months ago. As with most ideas/ theories I expected to review this concept and take it or leave it according to my own ideals. What I found was that the material was deeply thought provoking and had me talking to lots of people about it -- former principals, educators, mother's of six, ect. I have really milled this subject over and found it to be not at all black and white as it relates to child rearing.

To be sure, Kohn agrees that small children are born with a great desire for the approval of the important adults in their life. But, he says, we have a tremendous responsibility not to abuse the power that this gives us for our own ends. We must not turn our children into "praise junkies" who hunger for approval and have little sense of responsibility or ability to make ethical judgments. He argues that such children continue to require external approval and support throughout their lives and fail to develop an internal sense of their competence measured against their own standards. I agree with this wholeheartedly. The ability to find satisfaction in one's own accomplishments and also to find satisfaction is the task itself is a goal that most people strive for throughout their lives. By praising mindlessly, we give a sense of robotic satisfaction and fuel the internal hunger for a more genuine satisfaction (one that comes from within).

In theory, Alfie Kohn presents some compelling arguments for DRASTICALLY changing our society and moving it away from one that is based on rewards, incentives, grades, competition, tests and praise. If reading this material objectively and in a theoretical sense, It is a great philosophical mind opener. However, my problems with Kohn and this "movement" of no praise for our children are as follows:

First, I plan for my child to go to school. In the school systems of today, there will be tests, there will be stickers, there will be awards given out and award ceremonies, there will be competition, there will be lots of rewards because our society as a whole in this century is behaviorist. I wonder, if my child is receiving praise from everyone else in their life from Sesame street, Teachers, Friends, other adults, ect, What will be the long term affects of me not offering him any praise what so ever? Yes, I'd be acknowledging him. Yes I'd be offering engaging comments and "helping"
him to motivate himself along the way, but I, his mother, would not be offering him a sense of praise. My feeling is that he would pick up on the fact that he lived in a behaviorist society and that I was not an encouraging parent. The foundations that I am laying with him are so vital to his security of himself and by offering him a sense of positive reinforcement I feel like I am setting him up to be successful in the society that we live in, which like it or not is behaviorist.

Don't get me wrong -- I am not saying that I plan to shower my child with mindless praise for every mundane task. I do plan to use phrases like "Wow you used a lot of yellow in that picture!" but I will probably also say "I totally love it!" and if my son sets a goal for himself and accomplishes it I think it is important for me to tell him that I am proud of him for reaching his goal. I hope that he is proud of himself too, and it is my job as a parent to give him confidence in himself to strive for those feelings of pride and also to help him to find enjoyment in the process on not be focused only on the outcome -- I feel like a lot of that can be taught through talking with your child about the process and teaching Zen by example.

Although I found a lot of the book enlightening and found that it will affect to a degree the way I phrase my praise, my biggest complaint is that people might read this and take away a very strict interpretation of it which will ultimately, sadly, deprive their children of a sense of security that comes from a parent believing in you and being proud of you and vocalizing that. In the society that we exist in, this is important to success not only in school, but also in the working world where competition exists, raises and promotions are given and the whole system of gold stars are in place. Ironically, the more I thought about this, I felt like withholding all praise from my child was a form of control over him (an exact opposite from Kohn's theory of praise as being control).

So, again, for what it's worth, I took away from this intriguing theory, that in our current society I will parent my child intuitively first and foremost but I will also try to structure a portion of my praise statements to acknowledge, inspire and engage my child. When it comes down to it, the "expert" of my child is me. And the ebb and flow of parenting him is one of the most rewarding and challenging jobs that I'll ever do. But when my husband says "honey you're doing such a good job with him" I know in my heart that I am --- and although I don't need him to tell me that, it is nice to hear.

first freckle

I looked down yesterday afternoon and there on Grant's right leg is a freckle. Just one, hanging out on it's own as if to say -- "here is the start of something new!" I know it sounds crazy, but I find it amazing... fascinating really. I want to document it, put it in his baby book or give it a kiss -- it's his first ever freckle-- probably he will have hundreds over the span of his life, surely he will grow old and wrinkled and his skin will be swimming with freckles of various shapes and sizes. But I will remember a time when there was just one perfectly brown dot spotting a little bitty leg and a whole canvus of unspotted skin, waiting to be painted.

Settling in

We have settled back into life in Rosedale as if we had never left. The long drive, the non- culture, the streets named after trees that were cut down to build the big houses -- it is all just a distant memory. Replaced with the sounds and feel of the city life that we so ignorantly LOVED and didn't realize how much we loved. Our neighbors still gather around in the evenings and sip drinks on each other lawns -- but now there are toys and bubbles and baby pools to keep the little ones happy too. Grant has five friends within walking distance and I don't think he'll have any real memories of life in our old house. We feel like ourselves again in this neighborhood and we are putting all of our energy into furthering our plan to stay here. The plans for the house are done, the lot has been secured and a few (fairly big) hurdles remain before we begin our build. In the meantime we are savoring life in the new/old joy of our neighborhood, and counting our blessings of clarity of purpose and appreciation of our surroundings. Stay tunned!

On sleep

Ah, sleep. The ambiguous friend of my past. Bugsy still nurses every morning at 4 am sharp. Sometimes he makes it until 4:10. Since he goes to bed at 7 pm, this is a pretty long time make it until and although I could probably "retrain" him to not nurse then, something in my being things its wrong to deny him of this feeding. I can't really explain it but it is a strong enough feeling for me to give up massive amounts of sleep over.

I am so freaking tied when I wake up in the morning at 6:15 am but by the time I've had a little coffee it's like someone has spiked it with a little amnesia medicine. I hear myself saying to my best friend on the phone "We had a pretty good night, I mean bugsy make it till five after 4 and I was asleep by 11 so that was almost 5 full hours."

My best friend, whom in this blog I will affectionately refer to as KK since she has an odd paranoia of her life being exposed on the Internet (paparazzi? psycho mad men lurking on blogspot?) has two twin boys aged 26 months. She has been my inspiration since they were both sleeping so great for so long. Weeeeelllll, now they have decided to boycott the whole sleep thing and I am as panicked as I would be if I found out that U2 broke up. I mean I had hope!

So I now know that the sleep thing doesn't just resolve itself, it is constantly manifesting into different issues and problems. No wonder there are eight leading "sleep experts" in the field right now. And Yes, I've read most of their theories. What no one tells you is that YOUR BABY FORGOT TO READ THE BOOK.

Last night Brandon and I were lying in bed and reminiscing about how we could sleep in until 2 pm in a dark and messy room in college. We didn't care. We just slept. The only thing that woke us up was the desire to go get some freebirds. And now, although our life is the furthest thing from carefree we still do love some mexican food. The only difference is we are taking turns eating bites between spooning bites to our little bugsy. That and our clothes are covered in guac and rice and messy hand prints. Oh wait, that was the case in college too!

The year of Change

I fully believe that you have to appreciate your everyday life and not live so much in the future that you lose site of the present -- but this can sometimes be a struggle for me. Is it my ambition? My lofty ideas? Or my inappropriate discontentment with the here and now which propels me forward? I don't want to ever take for granted all of the blessings of my life, but yet I also don't want life to pass me by and for me to realize that we have made big mistakes.

What I am trying to say is that we are moving again. Our house is on the market and we are starting down a new path that will *hopefully* lead us back to central Austin closer to taco shack and the public library and central market. Further away from the sweater vests and think-they-are-rich-because they-live in-4ooo-square- foot- front- entry- garage- house -neighbors we have. So it all started with an offer from some friends of ours who have a fairly new custom home building business to give us a killer deal on building a house. Our wheals started turning and suddenly, as ideas started in conversations of marriages sometimes do, the idea took on a life of its own. It is a great idea -- but it will be a lot of work.

God I love our house, and it will be hard to leave all this space, but deep down it isn't a good fit for us to live out here. Sure it is only 15-20 minutes from our old central Austin neighborhood, but it could be anywhere U.S.A. and not Austin, Texas. So here we go, off on another adventure with goals and dreams in hand - and a venti starbucks vanilla latte in the other.

Reflections

It is night, and darkness drowns out the nursery. Daddy is sleeping soundly and I am in Bugsy's room sitting in the yellow silk bee chair. I have just finished nursing this tiny 6 month old and he is full as a tic off the milk the doctor's said would not ever sustain him. His head rest against me skin to skin, warm and sweaty. I smell milk and pink lotion and all the dreams of my past bubbling up inside me. The sound machine that has never been turned off since he was born plays the recorded sounds of the ocean. The waves lull back and forth and back and forth just as the warmth of the breath of this baby on my chest. I feel wetness in the corners of my eyes and I am overwhelmed with the thought.... this is enough. I am enough. My life has enough joy in this very moment to last a lifetime, and even if this is the only baby I ever hold and even if the world ended tomorrow I would die happy. There is Daddy and there is Grant and there is me. It is just the beginning, yet it is already so full. The wonder of life keeps me humbled, grounded and full of thanks.

It's Ok, to be both

Do you remember way back into adolescence when you were just trying to figure out who you were? and what group you fit into, exactly? When you ate lunch, what table did you sit at? Were you ever torn between trying to fit in with the cool kids while still being true to yourself?

It's funny, I should have seen these conflicts early on but it is only now that I look back that I get a little more clarity on it. In Jr. High, I was the cool kid who secretly went to the Earth Club meeting after Student Council so I could see the real live wolves they were bringing! And in High school --Sure, I listened to Green Day with my friends in the car, but I really just couldn't wait to put in my Simon and Garfunkel tape and ponder all the allegories in the lyrics.

Then college happened and life happened and I was ME! Finally me! But it's funny -- lately I find myself back again in the juxtaposition of myself. But this time, its okay to be both. I am both Yuppie and Hippie to the core or my being. I am in the Junior League, I drive a nice SUV, I am Episcopal, I wear 7 jeans....I still breast feed my 13 month old, I pureed all of his baby food, I cook organic whole wheat flax seed everything, I belong to an attached parenting group which meets regular to nurse and knit together.

I hope that Bugsy feels free to be himself as he grows into himself. Its fascinating to think that he has elements of Brandon and me in him but he is truly his own individual person. For all we know he may be totally into sports! (we hate sports!) But if he is --- we will be there for every game. We will cheer and try to learn all we can about his interests, but mostly we will show up because that's half of the job of parenting right there -- just showing up and being there. Love is really not spelled L-O-V-E, it is spelled T-I-M-E. The time we have with our child at home with us growing into himself is so very limited. When you really sit and think about it it makes you want to treasure every ought-oh, every toothy giggle, every ground up Graham cracker. Because just like those cracker crumbs that get lost under the furniture, moments fall into the cracks of your being unnoticed -- and it is the small moments in life that are everything.

Cast of Characters

So here it is, my first ever blog entry. The chronicles of a day in the life of a wife and mother -- a spirit raiser, confidence builder and cleaner of toilets. As a child, all I really ever wanted was to be a mother. Ok, and maybe also an actress. But sometimes, sometimes when I've had three great cups of coffee and everyone is all smiles I can't believe this is really my life. Unbelievable. I get to be out and about in the world caring for my own little family and loving them in such a profound and honest way. How cool is that?

So, dear reader, the cast of characters are as follows:

Myself- Former sorority girl, turned yuppie advertising assistant, turned freelance writer, turned target & coffee obsessed hippie momma.

BCD- Husband extraordinaire. Dashingly handsome, southernly charming with hair that should be on Grey's Anatomy. Not happy when hungry.

GMD- Grant Myrick Drake, Bugsy, Bugsaroosey, Mr. Grant -- born 12-12-05, You've never such personality in such a little package of a person. He's got his daddy's sense of humor, and his mommas red headed zeal. Watch out world.

Ella - EBB, Ella Bella Badinski, our beloved golden retriever - loyal and haphazard bird dog, our trial run at parenting, she is a really nice person.

That about sums us up. Of course there are a bunch of support cast, but we'll get to them over time. Patience my dear reader. Before you know it, you might know more about them then you should.

So enjoy the blog and my musings on life as a stay at home mom in Austin, Texas. These are the words of my all time favorite fortune cookie "Life, to you, is a dashing and Bold Adventure!"
Here's to making it as such.